Lair of Flying Green Song Rabbits

After finally saying it out loud and putting the situation in words, I've succumbed to tears; the tears I haven't wept with since HSC.

All the hot guys are either Asian to the extent of fobbiness or taken.

I'm not even regarded as pretty, just ok.

Plus, I'm an emotional train wreck. I have deep set issues of the psychological kind. It's so clear to me that nobody could love me and shower me with affection. I'm so sick of boys and their indifference to me, and the way they treat me as if I was just another guy or random person. All the guys I have ever fancied were taken. Their girls are probably thinner, prettier and more fob-cute than me, who practically acts Caucasian.

I still blame it on my air/aura of arrogance.

Nobody could ever accept me, unless I have accepted them. And I hardly accept anyone. It's a miracle that 2 guys fell "in love" with me at all. I really did hit the jackpot, and lost the winning ticket. Twice.

I am obsessed with N to the point of disgust. I disgust myself at my continual adoration and respect, and that everything I do is held in league with him. But then again, nobody else could ever want me, ever need me. Ever showed such interest.

I'll repeat what I said to Reila: One day I'll read this post again and gag over my hardcore lameness.

Despite this pitiful self-loathing, I was fine. I could handle it. Boys are dumb anyway.

And I just had to open my big mouth. My mascara is running.

Even my beloved Freya doesn't adore me. My heart just broke. I just broke it again typing that sentence. God, I'm a fucking masochist. My baby girl doesn't love me.

I don't even love myself. Who the hell would want this piece of shit.

I'm not worth much. I can cook hideous but delicious food, I'm organised-ish, I clean but not dishes, I am a dedicated worker. These are the symptoms of a careerwoman. My life will revolve around my work, leaving no time for dating and romance.

She told me I was a bright girl, and that I shouldn't read such trash.

Years later, I revel in Jane Austen and Isabel Allende.

I'm bright for being cynical? I should've just stayed cynical. At least I wouldn't look down on myself at this pathetic heap I am now, obsessed with infatuation and romance-dramas. Those 2 boys changed my life.

I can't even think of a strong synonym for pathetic to describe me right now.

Lame lame lame lame lame.

Okay. I stopped bawling.