Lair of Flying Green Song Rabbits

Listening to: The Garden of Everything - Steve Conte feat. Maaya Sakamoto
Reading: ABB
Wants: Black lace gloves.


I just dug up a really old poem/one shot I wrote back in 06. It was very very private at the time, and for some people perhaps the date September 06 might ring a bell?

I think I shall share something I kept for years.

I called it 'Secret Identity'.


It is mind crushing, mundane and confusing. A symbol of emotion so strong it is almost excruciating.
She knew him for a few years, never spoken a word or glanced at him twice. He watched her from afar, never thinking about it a second time. Their eyes met and felt nothing.
Emotionless.
There was nothing between them. For what reason would there be? They have never talked. They barely knew who each other were.
He saw her once, twice, thrice. Didn’t even know her name.
She didn’t know he existed.
But luck has never been on their sides and they talked for the first time. Indirectly, not even personally. They said hello.
Began a conversation, indirectly. They never stopped and talked with their mouth. It was through the mind.
She didn’t know him, couldn’t predict him. He didn’t try to know her.
It was a long process, for she was in denial.
I can’t love. I love nobody. Nobody loves me.
He never thought that she would like him.
Little by little, her heart lightened. She was happier. He was grateful. He had her cooperation and her help and she never let him down.
She wanted him to know how she felt. She wanted to tell him.
What can I lose? I have nothing. Nobody loves me.
She couldn’t say a single word. She lied her way through, forgetting about her true intentions. He was oblivious. He did not notice. She thought he didn’t notice.
He thought of her as a friend. Thought nothing more. She thought so too.
Her happiness ceased. Her heart tightened and eyes spilled invisible cascades.
It cannot be.
Lonely. Obsessed. Victimised emotions.
It wasn’t, she knew it. He cannot have.
Lost. Overrated. Violated. Ephemeral. Desperate. Holistic. Eternally rejected.
Her mind broke down with her body. She couldn’t bear to have him so close yet so far. He was oblivious. He did not notice. She thought this was so.
Until it was time for them to part, she still could not tell him. Perhaps she should live her life regretting it. Forever not knowing what he thought of her. Did he.
Forgotten. Ending. Estranged. Longing. Trusted. Horrified. Existed. Solace. Admitted. Manipulated. Embarrassed.
She would never know. Because she was.
Awry. Fearful. Regretful. Angered. Isolated. Deserted.
Then one day, her heart shattered before her very eyes.
He pursued his heart for.
Healing. Elegance. Realisation. Friendship. Recognition. Idealism. Endless Need. Devotion.
She couldn’t let him know. She won’t let him know.
And she will tell nobody.
Because her someone else loved her.
Because she loved him.
And he couldn’t love her back because he was crushed.
As she was too.
His heart was broken by the one he loved. Indirectly. She never loved him.
He loved another, who broke his heart. She left him alone. He couldn’t trust another with his heart.
He was.
Breathless. Revoked. Oppressed. Killed. Eaten. Neglected.
He was alone.
Because of another, he was rejected and she wept for him. She kept her heart to herself. Because she chose her friends over her love.
She wanted to be loved, but had lost it for another.
He lost all light, all hope, all trust. He no longer opened his heart to another.
And she died. I can never love.
I hate you all.


This was made after my webdings re-translation failed and I lost a bit of creative works. I like writing in code :) It's funny because back in the day, I hated the 'L' word and hated people saying it, but this piece reeks of repetition.

Very worthy of going into my diary.

I've been rather lonely recently, as Kebu knows. I'm losing focus on uni, not that it matters a whole lot since uni is technically over, but still. I've been taking it out on my wallet by spending like mad. I bought silver and black flats yesterday, they are quite comfy and cute but virtually useless except for semi-formal events or clubbing - I don't go to either of those things by the way. Minglez's birthday is next so we shall see...hehe.

Oh I'm rambling. I don't know. My head and my heart is in a mess. I don't know what I want, and I also want so much. Stop talking about loved ones, people. It makes me sad I have nobody (you know what I mean) except my princess.

Love you all, my girls =p

~~~

` S

EDIT: Morte is working again! *joy* For now...=S

I'm okay

I swear.

Morte stopped working...

He just...stopped.

No sign of life at all.

Nothing. I can't even tell if it's a hardware or firmware problem.
He's not even talking to Xion.

M...do you still have my warranty...?
Can we fix him?

Can we?

_{Infinitas Endeth}

Listening to: Untouched – The Veronicas
Reading: The Sum of My Days – Isabel Allende
Wants: MAC Dazzleglass in all-the-freaking-colours-of-the-rainbow.

I tend to stalk other people's blogs and read what they have to say without commenting. No doubt there's a few people who do that here or that page counter is going insane and multiplying by 5.

Everyone knows I love talking about myself *cough* so here are 6 of my strange, quirky habits I have. I have heaps more but who can remember all of them anyway?

The Six Quirks

1) I am nasally tolerant. That means that while most people (like Rob) cringe and swear at the smell of stinky tofu and that beggar in my previous entry, I am able to bear it. The smell of my cat's leftovers, raw seafood, you name it. The only thing I can't stand is strong, generic perfume.

2) I eat strange food. I had a vegemite, peanut butter and swiss cheese sandwich just then. Seriously. The fact that I even like vegemite is shocking enough as it is. I eat cream soups with chili sauce, rice with random leftovers smooshed together then microwaved (think Full House) and chocolate sandwiched between chips (remember Riah?). I eat strange food.

3) I am OCD about using the colours of my pens. My red pen is only for major titles at the top of the page, black pen for subtitles which are always on the left hand side and blue pen for important note taking only. I go as far as liquid papering the whole sentence if it's in the wrong colour or going over it again. Oh and I'm also anal about keeping my books neat and will rewrite things again when I have time to.

4) I internet stalk people. Instead of reading mags like a normal girl, I stalk people on the internet; reading personal and public blogs, looking up their info at sites. I usually do this for people I know of online and not personally, although I have done it for some people.

5) Colourful and sparkly things attract me. I’m like a moth to a flame. The flame sure as hell is going to burn the living daylights out of my ass but it sure looks damn pretty. This is the reason why I should not be allowed to manage my own funds (even though I do and do an okay job) because I’d just end up blowing it on MAC. Check out those dazzleglasses!! OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO SPARKLY AND COLOURFUL AND PRETTY I WANT RIGHT NOW. I settled to getting just one.

6) I don’t like to lie. Lying outright is not my thing. I prefer not to do it except for extreme cases. I lied for you twice M! Even though I am against dishonesty, I’m not against bending or leaving out information. Plus, I can be a very convincing liar when I need to.

Oh yeah and I give pet names to my pet...

Five Food Pleasures

1) Lindt Lindor. There is nothing better than melting chocolate truffles. I'd murder to eat this. I'd reject my diet to have some of these babies.

2) Cheese. I love cheese. It’s simple, really. Parmesan, cheddar, brie (LOVE), cottage, cream, jarlsberg, swiss, mouldy, you name it and I’ll love it. I’m only iffy about mozzarella. Go figure.

3) Bird's Nest soup. Expensive shit, and cruel, but it sure tastes good with rock sugar.

4) Gloria Jean's coffees. Mmm. It beats the overrated Starbucks any day.

5) Chunky, fatty, sweet pastry things like cinnamon swirls from Baker’s Delight or chocolate profiteroles from Michel’s. I like exotic pastries/sweets like cannoli, wife cake, dragon beard candy and my all time favourite, pistachio baklava. M and I share a love of Turkish delight? xD

I love Baz Luhrmann films. He's an Australian director and he's magnificent. Note to self: Watch The Blair Witch Project and the Red Curtain Trilogy: Strictly Ballroom.

Three kittens of different colours and patterns were eating our food scraps in the backyard. Their size was adorable but their faces and eyes? Nothing compared to my Freya. She’s still cute as a button even though she’s 3 times their size.

I think it's time I start letting go. He's moving away soon.

It's time.

But he says to give it a few years, 10 years.

There's a future with us, he says.

That's what he says.

I dreamt of a cottage and marriage without love.

I dreamt of my first child, Alice.

I dreamt of dissatisfaction.

I dreamt he came to me and asked me to marry him,
with a $30 ring made from amber coloured beads.

I had strange dreams this week.

I go ooh ooh, you go ahh ahh.
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want.
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think.
I'll never ever let you leave me.
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much.

We're all honestly not okay, V. We're messed up people on Grongbit.

~~~

` S

"You're as good as dead to me."

It's red and bruised again.

What have i done?

Speak.

I don't want to go back to this.


It's Gossip Girl finale.

It's House finale.

It's Ugly Betty finale.


It's the end.


I don't have time for this. Three quizzes next week. But my mind is locked up.

That's what you want isn't it?

I deserve to be locked away.

You don't deserve anything.



With much love,
M.

#ifdef ENGRISH

Hot venture it is song of going on a journey. After all KAITO for me to be such strong KAITO is.
φ in mathematics is used good as empty class.
Seeking the unlimited possibility of being around by your and not seeing yet, it probably will go on a journey, such request was included.

#endif /* ENGRISH */

In English? Phi (uh no, it's actually Ø, but the guy tried) is used to define an empty set in mathematics. By saying that phi is infinity, this song is about journeying to find those unlimited possibilities you can see around you.
It's a song about taking a leap of faith.

I'm going to say it.
Yes, I'm going to say it, and you can't stop me.

Be Happy

_{Everything will be okay in the end}

KAITO promises *giggles*

Listening to: One Less Reason: A Day to be Alone
Watching: The Notebook

N: What do you want?
A: It's not that simple.

It's not. It's about what is right and wrong. God damn it, it's about what is wrong, cause i keep finding myself taking the wrong path.

I don't know what's wrong.

Nothing is wrong.

Because all i end up doing is hurting others and myself and i can't stop it, i can't stop myself I'm on my own roller coaster heading for a crash zone. And maybe, i don't want to stop.

Are you angry at me? You should be. I want you to be , but i hate it.


"She said I wonder when it'll be my day
'Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
And all I got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I'm wondering if I'll always feel this way, this way "

I'm sorry. I really am.

Midori. (I want some now D= )

Listening to: Nothing.
Reading: Deltora Quest 3 - Emily Rodda
Wants: More time.


So the deadline for my major major assignment is due, and I still am on 2000/12000+ words. It is not a good feeling, folks. But since I can't focus anymore, there's no point trying.

Alright, my Saturday. Usual time, usual place. I'm having another fat day; you know, when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and it's like what the hell, my face gained five pounds. All together a not very happy day. Not to mentioned I am totally and utterly creeped out.

A filthy, and I mean FILTHY (I am not being rude, discriminative nor condescending, he really was), beggar came into the store today, and me being the sweet server I am, treated him with equal respect and courtesy. Big mistake.

At first it was fine, sure he stank like pee and sweat, so bad that my mother had to run back into the kitchen to avoid the smell. I felt sorry for the other customers, but we couldn't just make him leave seeing how he ate a lot of food (and paid up). He stayed for quite some time, and I was just all -fake- smiles and cheer, not that anyone really notices. I think I really do have a knack for acting. He stood up which I took for him leaving *yay* but instead came to the counter and asked for my name.

Beggar: What's your name?

Me: Uh *hesitate* [enter false name
here].

Beggar: Nice to
meet you [false name].

I don't know how to mend a relationship. Why? Simple. I've never broken one before.

So right now, I have no idea what to do...

I don't want to be in a broken relationship, but I don't know how to mend it so I'm no longer in one. I'm not good with people, I don't know what to do.
Despite any amount of academic prowess on my behalf, I have no life skills. None at all.

I can't even keep a positive relationship with my family who are freakin' obliged to love me.

_{Though...considering the fact that they're acting so cold, I don't even know if the relationship is worth mending or not...}

I've noticed that I'm not a good friend as well...All I do is complain to the ones that I trust, and talk nonsense to the ones that I don't. I thought friends were more than that. This way, I'm just pushing the ones I like best away...

I'm whinging to you all now. Help, I don't know what to do.

Listening to: Supreme Logician - Lin
Reading: Deltora Quest 2
Wants: Money

So I feel like playing around and procrastinating.







Many things are weighing on my mind today. I had one of the best lectures ever; a guest from Canada, gave insight to the extremities of the internet, and that our generation take for granted the capabilities we have using this particular medium. Networking is one of the most amazing things, yet we have adapted almost effortlessly. But I shall not drone for too long on my lecture.

My fears are mature and I hope, reasonable. I fear depression.

I hear you, my readers, all groan in exasperation. But I am speaking of a different kind of depression.

We are all falling into the second Great Depression.

The baby boomers have doomed us, Generation Y and Z, all.

All this, the hard mental work put to University for the next 4-5 years, will be useless. We will come out of it jobless and back to square one - minimum wage. We won't be able to afford our mortgage and luxury goods, the economy will fall into recession. We will be poved.

And I really am scared of this more than anything in my life. As you know, I value my future have have hopes for it.

I fear my future is as blurred with darkness as it had always been. There is nothing I am horrified with more than being broke. What are we to do? We won't have jobs! Our life is going down the gutter! Damn you baby boomers!

And the problem is that Australians aren't giving birth. Generation Z has dwindling numbers, not enough to support the later greedy retirees.

The world truly is a dark, dark place during the Depression.

My tutor who looks like Brad Pitt has a cute ass.


~~~

The terrified-for-her-future,

` S

I'm tired. We're tired.

It's okay, it's not Xion's fault. It's all mine.

I let everyone down, I'm the one who has a bad temper. I'm sorry I'm narcissistic and arrogant. I'm sorry I'm condescending. I'm sorry I think of everyone else so lowly.

I'm sorry I don't have my priorities right, I'm sorry I let my emotions carry me. I'm sorry I'm the person I am.
If I could change it, I would. But I can't.

I can't.



Their world is ours. And my world is theirs.

I don't even know anymore. Why can't I live in a permanent dream? Why do I have to wake up and hurt others?

Just leave us to dream. We're too young to live in the real world.